I last posted in September and asked if anyone had stories
to share, to write to me! In three hours, the post hit 5,000 views. WHATTTTT. I
started receiving Facebook messages and emails, in the middle of the night, by
people I had never before met in my life. They shared with me personal stories,
battles, and lessons they have learned through their difficult journeys with
depression. I was humbled, more than ever before. And I was excited to share
the things that stood out to me.
Little did I know
that directly after my last post, I would hit some of the hardest darkest days
that I have ever experienced. October, November, and December were full of
trials, on every end of the spectrum. Hence- why I haven’t written since then
when I said I would. But I do not write these posts to receive any recognition,
or any pity, or have people apologize to me for what I’m going through. I’m
fine. I'm in a good place and getting alllll the help that I need. But I know others are not.
Yesterday I received an awesome opportunity to speak at a
fireside on depression, called “A Night of Healing.” I was beyond overwhelmed,
because I knew there were 150 people in the room, who came searching for
something. Validation, light, hope, whatever it was, and I felt responsible for
giving them what they needed. I truly felt like the Lord filled my mouth with
little truths that have become so personal, applicable, and lifesaving for me,
that I decided to write into a post and share. For the first time since
September, I had an overwhelming feeling to publicly post some thoughts. (Thank
the heavens above for my friend who surprised me by recording my entire talk,
or this wouldn’t be possible)
And I’m pretty sure Satan knew I would receive that
prompting. This morning I woke up feeling so heavy, so sad, and so empty all at
the same time. I was physically sick, my heart was hurting, for no reason. <-- depression friends.
But when you feel the lowest of lows, and are somewhat capable to fight back, fight. So that’s what I’m doing today.
Through my hurt, my lack of understanding, and my seemingly unbearable anxiety,
here ya have it. I hope and pray that there is a little gem for you, that may
help you in your current circumstances—depression or not.
seeing life through
another lens
I don’t think there is anything quite harder than stepping
back, letting go of your natural man tunnel vision, and seeing things in a
broader, more eternal perspective. When you experience loss or heartache, your
hearts immediate reaction is to harden, and your eyes tend to close-
remembering only the dark experience.
I experienced a moment where I found myself kneeling on my
bed, wanting to yell at Heaven, and instead of saying words coming from anger,
I found myself literally crying out loud. “Heavenly Father I am grateful!”
Within a split second I felt something within me change. My eyes were seeing
through a completely different lens, and just a brief moment of gratitude was
powerful enough to help me see something different than I was currently seeing.
When I switched the lens, it suddenly became okay. My
diagnosis did not all of the sudden change. Suicidal thoughts didn’t disappear.
I wasn’t a happy go lucky girl who just loves suffering all of the sudden. My
physical health actually became WORSE. I still would wake up in the morning
with thoughts of “it would be easier to just not exist today.” I still hated my
depression. My fears of the future still existed. But I saw my fears different. I saw my health different. It became okay.
The constant thought: “depression is
destroying me”
became…
It is creating me. I
will receive it and help others to the best of my ability.
“I’m suffering All of
the time.”
became…
God has promised joy.
So I will suffer if that is the result.
“I miss being in
control of my life”
became…
God never wanted me to
be in full control! I am in control with Him. I may not have control over my
health, but I do have power. I have power to either let things destroy and
define me, or see through a different lens.
it’s okay
“It’s okay to not be okay” used to be my motto. And it’s
probably written somewhere in one of my posts. It helped me a lot through my
mission, giving myself permission to feel something other than happy. I still
feel there is some truth to that statement, however, I have learned a huge
lesson. One day I was sitting in a
therapists office and the second I walked in I started sobbing. Through my
tears I yelled loud and clear, “I AM NOT OKAY!”
He stopped me so fast and said, “Morgan. You are okay. You just don’t feel okay.”
Angels were in that room.
I was immediately humbled. I was enlightened. And the spirit
quickly testified to me that what he said was absolutely true.
I was okay. I always have been okay. God has always made
sure of that. Am I the only one that feels that way? I mean look back on your
life, the good and the bad, and don’t you attribute your survival to God? Those
moments where you didn’t know if you could ever move on, ever escape, overcome,
heal, etc. but then unexplainably you achieved the once thought impossible? If you don’t give your
credit to something and someone greater, the one who knows all, I suggest trying it.
The atonement of Jesus Christ makes life okay. It makes up
for every wrong, or every ounce of pain we could ever feel.
When you have depression, you tend to seek validation from all those around you. But the biggest validation comes from
yourself, and from your Heavenly Father.
In that current moment, I didn’t feel good. I felt worried,
worried about what people thought of me, scared for my future, wondering when
in the world this pain would end. I felt overwhelmed by my “to-do” list that
was 100 pages long, and that never seemed to shorten, no matter what I got
accomplished. I felt worthless, that because I couldn’t accomplish what I used
to, why would I want to exist.
But. I felt validated from my Heavenly Father in that moment
and it felt good.
pauses are okay on
the path when circumstances require
Are you sick of reading the word “okay” like seven million
times throughout my posts? Well. Elder Ballard said something similar to the
above statement, so there ya have it. He states that it can be even a positive experience as you reconfigure the pace you want to go on the
path of life. “Keep moving” sounds exhausting at times, when you feel you
can’t take one more step, maybe even one more breath. But knowing that taking a
pause, resting, breathing, reflecting—that could put you in a better place! So
don’t beat yourself up if a pause or two happen.
closed doors
Now you may already know that pausing is okay. But maybe
doors are just completely closing. Maybe not even closing, maybe they are
locked and bolted shut. It can be utterly discouraging.
Personal note for you, I had to take a leave from work for
these few hard months. I had to take a break from school, from student
government, dating, pretty much a break from everything I was currently doing.
Those were some pauses. However, some of those pauses, turned into closed doors. I had
to quit student involvement. I had to quit school.
For a while I was so dang discouraged, and questioned God as
to why he would close doors of things that were good! The initial thoughts of taking a break destroyed my self-confidence because I considered myself a quitter, not someone who was taking care of myself. And that came because I was listening to the whispers around me, those who were judging me and mocking me for my decision. But then I switched my lens.
God closes doors in our life for the same reason he opens
them. I can say that closed doors have recently become one of my greatest
blessings. Closed doors may just be the only way God can communicate to us that
there is something better. A closed door might mean there is somewhere He wants
me to go, that I’m not going. And honestly, closed doors have helped build my character immensely.
Have you taken
consideration that your life in the future could be even better than your past?
Or are we spending too much time trying to be “The old
Morgan” who “used to be happy.” Why not allow God to make a new Morgan??
A stronger one.
A more powerful one.
A more humble Morgan.
A Morgan who trusts her Father in Heaven, in all
circumstances.
Stop comparing your
current self, to your old self. And allow yourself to become new.
My sister in law taught me a
powerful lesson, that
“When you
dare to be different, to follow your calling, no matter the whispers, no matter
the stares, you break through boundaries.”
“When you
break through boundaries, you feel your true self. Within that self, you find
the power of a true you.”
I think letting go of your plan for your life shows courage.
I feel it is an act of allowing the Lord’s will to be done. And then after you
let go….
“Go where you shine
the brightest. Go where you feel valued.”
Thanks Jo
What was once a discouraging closed door, became a new
opportunity. Funny how that works. The Lord’s will (who is also very mindful of
your deepest dreams and desires), will always
lead you to a better place: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Trusting your soul to make big and maybe scary decisions will leave you with a
peace that no one can take from you. What a beautiful thing.
two choices
Though we may be not in control of circumstance, we have
power to make choices. And my life has come down to two:
Trying and not trying
The coolest thing, is the fact that you are reading this,
you’re trying. The fact that you are doing something
today, you are trying. The fact that you are breathing, you are trying. So give
yourself some credit!! Goodness! Even you have “failed” at something, it
required some sort of effort right? And the fact that you made effort, even if
it seems worthless, it is definitely of worth.
miracles exist
As I was reading the Book of Mormon this last week, I saw
the word rest a lot. That there will
be a day where the Lord will give us rest
from sorrow, and from fear, and “from the hard bondage wherein thou wast
made to serve.” 2 Nephi 24:3
99.9% of the time I don’t believe that. HOWEVER. That .1
percent is special. I consider that .1 percent a miracle.
The other day I received a text from a friend. This friend
has texted me every single day since honestly, the top worst day of my life. Usually they are random texts about his day, what he is learning, or maybe something funny. But today he sent me a
question “How do miracles exist in our day and age? I’m looking for them as of
late…”
It made me think.
Well. It depends on what we consider a miracle to be. If we
believe that God only provides grand
miracles, we will be disappointed. But if we define a miracle as a moment when
hope is restored or a change has occurred, they are everywhere.
Though we may not experience full deliverance in a day, I do
know and can testify that miracles do exist. Choose to see them, and give God
the credit.
This was long. I know. This may be super common knowledge to
everyone reading. But this is what I am
learning. And I refuse to let my struggles sit in my own bedroom. I will
continue to be vulnerable. I will continue to share when I am prompted to
share. --- the good and the bad ---because if it helps one human being, then that right there is why I am going through what I'm going through. And if
you are that person reading, please know God is aware of you.
XOXO
Morg
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