finding what your soul wants. mine wants Africa.

Depression and anxiety tend to make a lot of things crumble.

You fight a daily battle, some worse than others. You probably have had loved ones, doctors, therapists, friends, the whole clan encourage you to take care of yourself, sound familiar? Well. I ignored them. I kept going. I kept working. I kept trying. And then I hit a wall. A steel wall.

A family member taught me a really cool lesson, but more of an analogy about myself. I am someone who is persistent, and a day never goes by that I'm not doing something. I commit to too many things, and have an extreme desire to be successful in what I involve myself in, despite the obstacles. If a fence is in my way, I jump over it. If a door is in my way, I kick it down. A mountain? I start climbing. But this time, when I mean a steel wall was slapped right in my current path, I am referring to a wall that I can't walk around, can't climb over, and sure enough can't break through. 

When I hit this wall, I was tired. I was done. I wanted to give up. But instead, I decided to try something that I have ignored for the last year and a half, and that took every ounce of courage I had: take care of myself. Truth is, I don’t remember the last time I did this.

My health caused me to take a break. It caused me to simplify my life, and make some major changes. I made the decisions, with hope I would feel lighter. I had hope that I would finally feel less anxious, less depressed. Some anxiety went away, but I still was empty.

Every single day I asked myself the question, “What does take care of yourself even mean?

Just take a break from life? Nah, that’s not a reality, and doesn’t get you anywhere.

Find a better therapist, treatment or pill? maybe.

Pampering? No, that is a temporary fix or escape that doesn’t do your soul much good for very long.

Vedge and watch TV the majority of the day? My favorite shows aren’t airing so that can’t happen currently.

Go on a vacation? That’s temporary pleasure as well.

What does it mean though? Has anyone else ever asked this question? How the heck do you take care of yourself?

There is a really important truth that I ignore when God tells us the two great commandments. Love God with your whole soul, and love thy neighbor… a s   t h y s e l f .

God expects us to love ourselves. (Thank you Greg Thorpe for teaching me this concept.) I’m just going to make a wild assumption that the precursor to loving yourself is taking care of yourself. Not claiming that as doctrine, but just go with it.

When was the last time you felt truly happy? For me, they were these moments where I felt on top of the world. I felt faith in something greater than myself. I relied on my Heavenly Father, I trusted him. And I trusted myself. I was helping others. I felt like I knew my calling in life, and I was actually carrying out that calling. I was doing what my spirit wanted.

They were moments where I was feeding my soul. My heart, my mind, and my soul aligned. These times weren’t an absence of trial, but a presence of peace and assurance that I was doing what I truly wanted, that aligned with the Lord’s will.

Honest to goodness, I don’t remember the last time I fed my soul.

No, I’m not talking about reading scriptures. Or going to church to hear the Word kind of soul feeding. That definitely enhances my life. But that is separate to what I am referring to.  

I am talking about truly listening to my heart and soul (not my head cause that always goes south lets be real) but being still. Quiet. And actually doing what my soul needs.

Hear me out.

I have come clean recently. I am a perfectionist. Hard core. I always hated when people told me I was one, but I finally accepted the fact that I hate letting people down, especially myself. I cannot stand not living up to expectations I set for myself, or that other people have for me, or even God’s expectations!

I feel crappy.     I feel overwhelmed.      I feel depressed.

These are times that my mind and soul are in a battle with one another. They are wanting different things, and I absolutely cannot accomplish what I thought was success. Leading life with your mind, is  i n s a n i t y .

Have you ever felt an extreme prompting to do something crazy? Or felt like your calling in life was something greater than what you are currently living?

Have you ever wanted to make an adjustment in your life that you know would change it completely?

I believe we all have times where we feel promptings to do something out of the ordinary, off the well-paved path we have created for ourselves. I believe we have feelings to do something that may go against everything we thought we wanted. I believe those feelings create excitement. They ignite a passion within us.

-- But --

we let the flame dwindle.

How lame is that?

We ignore the feeling. We get scared of the choices that may be the best decisions for our lives, and we continue choosing the comfortable way. We immediately go to what others will think of us if we make certain changes.

I learned something recently that if we get rid of expectations of a certain outcome, we can give our soul what it truly needs.  Or in other words, if I get rid of my personal etched in stone agenda for my life, I could be opening the door to allowing God to direct me in a better way. Or, I could simply be allowing God to shut doors.

I am the only one impeding on fulfilling my calling. When I actually make the choice to follow my calling in life, no matter how big or small the decision, my soul is receiving what it needs.

What I want to experience in life, is   s i g n i f i c a n c e . I want to feel   p u r p o s e . I want to know that the value that I bring as an individual and daughter of God, is being used to it’s fullest.

Like I wrote in my last post: I can say that closed doors have recently become one of my greatest blessings. Closed doors may just be the only way God can communicate to us that there is something better. Sometimes God closes the doors, but I also feel that we have the power to close them ourself, when deep down inside, we know we need to be somewhere different. 

My aunt taught me a concept that she lives by, a guide to making decisions, big and small, that has played a significant role in saving my life. Ask yourself these three questions:

1. Do I want to do this? 
(We may say "I don't know what to do" quite frequently when making decisions, but we don't make ourselves answer this question.. If you want it, DO IT. If you don't, DON'T. When you answer this question yourself, you are using your personal power. You are simplifying a decision that before seemed so complex)

2. Will this energize or deplete my heart? 
(If your heart gets depleted too often by something in your life, get rid of it. But if you feel the flame ignite within you, I'd say it's something you should go for, or continue doing)

3. Am I doing this to please man or God? 
(Now this question has helped me realize what things I am doing solely to please other people or even to follow a specific timeline that society has created. Something better to question is if a certain decision is actually fulfilling for you personally)

The decisions I have made for my life the last three months have followed this guideline, and this guideline only. And I have never felt better about the direction my life is going. And what's so cool, is I didn't have to seek validation once from anyone when I made these decisions. When you make a decision for you, that feels right, feels exciting, feels peaceful- it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. It does not matter. And even if it did, that extra validation would do nothing for you. When you listen to what your soul is longing for, your own validation becomes enough. 

Now.. What does my soul need? What is it longing for? I am currently in the process of figuring that out. But I have some ideas.

One being an adventure of a lifetime. Something that I decided to do with “20 seconds of insane courage.” (We Bought a Zoo reference)

And I can’t wait.

I’m going to Africa!!!!!!!

In February I am going to Ghana with an organization called Acacia Shade. This non-profit built a home in Ghana for orphans with disabilities. Many African cultures believe that if a child is born to your family with a birth defect or disability of some sort, they are a curse to the family and should be killed. These children are usually left in a field to be eaten, or on the beach to be swept up by waves. It’s heartbreaking. 

This organization is not only providing a home for many of these abandoned children, but also educating families who have kept their children about how to raise the child. They are also doing a lot of community outreach including educating school children on how to treat those with disabilities so the stigma of these children being a “curse” disappears. There is also a home for orphan children who have been rescued from sex trafficking that I will be able to interact with. 

For those who know me really well, you know my true dream is to one day one my own non-profit, hopefully with kids with disabilities. This opportunity came to me when I was at my lowest of lows. After hitting a point where I wanted to give up, God provided. He always does.

A lot of doors in my life have closed recently. But who says a closed door isn’t just as much of an answer as an open one? Once I allowed God to close doors (or allowed myself to be okay with closing a door), once I simplified my life and got the help that I needed, a door opened. Not only did a door open, but    t h e   s t a r s    f r e a k i n g   a l i g n e d . I am now officially apart of Acacia Shade, to be a constant supporter of their mission. All of the tender mercies and crazy moments that lead up to my dream being able to be fulfilled, I attribute to God as well as myself! Cause we have power remember?

I fed my soul.

I did it. I let go of what others may have expected me to do, and chose to use my power. I did what I wanted! Goodness! If I have any advice after the last few months of deciding to go to Ghana, it’s do whatever the heck you want to do. Do what gives you peace. What makes you happy. And what pleases your soul.

Cause your soul is worth fighting for.

XOXO

Morg

For those who wish to support the organization Acacia Shade, I am sending my first sum of donations on February 1st. If you would like to be included, please contact me for details! (All donations are tax deductible which I have the information for) Also, if you are interested in being a part of the organization itself, I would love to answer any questions you may have. 

morgangardiner6@gmail.com 

personal truths

I last posted in September and asked if anyone had stories to share, to write to me! In three hours, the post hit 5,000 views. WHATTTTT. I started receiving Facebook messages and emails, in the middle of the night, by people I had never before met in my life. They shared with me personal stories, battles, and lessons they have learned through their difficult journeys with depression. I was humbled, more than ever before. And I was excited to share the things that stood out to me.

Little did I know that directly after my last post, I would hit some of the hardest darkest days that I have ever experienced. October, November, and December were full of trials, on every end of the spectrum. Hence- why I haven’t written since then when I said I would. But I do not write these posts to receive any recognition, or any pity, or have people apologize to me for what I’m going through. I’m fine. I'm in a good place and getting alllll the help that I need. But I know others are not.

Yesterday I received an awesome opportunity to speak at a fireside on depression, called “A Night of Healing.” I was beyond overwhelmed, because I knew there were 150 people in the room, who came searching for something. Validation, light, hope, whatever it was, and I felt responsible for giving them what they needed. I truly felt like the Lord filled my mouth with little truths that have become so personal, applicable, and lifesaving for me, that I decided to write into a post and share. For the first time since September, I had an overwhelming feeling to publicly post some thoughts. (Thank the heavens above for my friend who surprised me by recording my entire talk, or this wouldn’t be possible)

And I’m pretty sure Satan knew I would receive that prompting. This morning I woke up feeling so heavy, so sad, and so empty all at the same time. I was physically sick, my heart was hurting, for no reason. <-- depression friends. But when you feel the lowest of lows, and are somewhat capable to fight back, fight. So that’s what I’m doing today. Through my hurt, my lack of understanding, and my seemingly unbearable anxiety, here ya have it. I hope and pray that there is a little gem for you, that may help you in your current circumstances—depression or not.

seeing life through another lens

I don’t think there is anything quite harder than stepping back, letting go of your natural man tunnel vision, and seeing things in a broader, more eternal perspective. When you experience loss or heartache, your hearts immediate reaction is to harden, and your eyes tend to close- remembering only the dark experience.

I experienced a moment where I found myself kneeling on my bed, wanting to yell at Heaven, and instead of saying words coming from anger, I found myself literally crying out loud. “Heavenly Father I am grateful!” Within a split second I felt something within me change. My eyes were seeing through a completely different lens, and just a brief moment of gratitude was powerful enough to help me see something different than I was currently seeing.

When I switched the lens, it suddenly became okay. My diagnosis did not all of the sudden change. Suicidal thoughts didn’t disappear. I wasn’t a happy go lucky girl who just loves suffering all of the sudden. My physical health actually became WORSE. I still would wake up in the morning with thoughts of “it would be easier to just not exist today.” I still hated my depression. My fears of the future still existed. But I saw my fears different. I saw my health different. It became okay.

The constant thought: “depression is destroying me”

became… 

It is creating me. I will receive it and help others to the best of my ability.

“I’m suffering All of the time.”        

           became…             

God has promised joy. So I will suffer if that is the result.

“I miss being in control of my life” 

     became…     

God never wanted me to be in full control! I am in control with Him. I may not have control over my health, but I do have power. I have power to either let things destroy and define me, or see through a different lens.

it’s okay

“It’s okay to not be okay” used to be my motto. And it’s probably written somewhere in one of my posts. It helped me a lot through my mission, giving myself permission to feel something other than happy. I still feel there is some truth to that statement, however, I have learned a huge lesson.  One day I was sitting in a therapists office and the second I walked in I started sobbing. Through my tears I yelled loud and clear, “I AM NOT OKAY!”

He stopped me so fast and said, “Morgan. You are okay. You just don’t feel okay.” 

Angels were in that room.

I was immediately humbled. I was enlightened. And the spirit quickly testified to me that what he said was absolutely true.

I was okay. I always have been okay. God has always made sure of that. Am I the only one that feels that way? I mean look back on your life, the good and the bad, and don’t you attribute your survival to God? Those moments where you didn’t know if you could ever move on, ever escape, overcome, heal, etc. but then unexplainably you achieved the once thought impossible? If you don’t give your credit to something and someone greater, the one who knows all, I suggest trying it.

The atonement of Jesus Christ makes life okay. It makes up for every wrong, or every ounce of pain we could ever feel.

When you have depression, you tend to seek validation from all those around you. But the biggest validation comes from yourself, and from your Heavenly Father.

In that current moment, I didn’t feel good. I felt worried, worried about what people thought of me, scared for my future, wondering when in the world this pain would end. I felt overwhelmed by my “to-do” list that was 100 pages long, and that never seemed to shorten, no matter what I got accomplished. I felt worthless, that because I couldn’t accomplish what I used to, why would I want to exist.

But. I felt validated from my Heavenly Father in that moment and it felt good.  

pauses are okay on the path when circumstances require

Are you sick of reading the word “okay” like seven million times throughout my posts? Well. Elder Ballard said something similar to the above statement, so there ya have it. He states that it can be even a positive experience as you reconfigure the pace you want to go on the path of life. “Keep moving” sounds exhausting at times, when you feel you can’t take one more step, maybe even one more breath. But knowing that taking a pause, resting, breathing, reflecting—that could put you in a better place! So don’t beat yourself up if a pause or two happen.

closed doors

Now you may already know that pausing is okay. But maybe doors are just completely closing. Maybe not even closing, maybe they are locked and bolted shut. It can be utterly discouraging.  

Personal note for you, I had to take a leave from work for these few hard months. I had to take a break from school, from student government, dating, pretty much a break from everything I was currently doing. Those were some pauses. However, some of those pauses, turned into closed doors. I had to quit student involvement. I had to quit school.

For a while I was so dang discouraged, and questioned God as to why he would close doors of things that were good! The initial thoughts of taking a break destroyed my self-confidence because I considered myself a quitter, not someone who was taking care of myself. And that came because I was listening to the whispers around me, those who were judging me and mocking me for my decision. But then I switched my lens.

God closes doors in our life for the same reason he opens them. I can say that closed doors have recently become one of my greatest blessings. Closed doors may just be the only way God can communicate to us that there is something better. A closed door might mean there is somewhere He wants me to go, that I’m not going. And honestly, closed doors have helped build my character immensely. 

Have you taken consideration that your life in the future could be even better than your past?

Or are we spending too much time trying to be “The old Morgan” who “used to be happy.” Why not allow God to make a new Morgan?? 

A stronger one.

A more powerful one.

A more humble Morgan.

A Morgan who trusts her Father in Heaven, in all circumstances.

Stop comparing your current self, to your old self. And allow yourself to become new.

            My sister in law taught me a powerful lesson, that

“When you dare to be different, to follow your calling, no matter the whispers, no matter the stares, you break through boundaries.”

“When you break through boundaries, you feel your true self. Within that self, you find the power of a true you.”

I think letting go of your plan for your life shows courage. I feel it is an act of allowing the Lord’s will to be done. And then after you let go….

 “Go where you shine the brightest. Go where you feel valued.” 

          Thanks Jo

What was once a discouraging closed door, became a new opportunity. Funny how that works. The Lord’s will (who is also very mindful of your deepest dreams and desires), will always lead you to a better place: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Trusting your soul to make big and maybe scary decisions will leave you with a peace that no one can take from you. What a beautiful thing.

two choices

Though we may be not in control of circumstance, we have power to make choices. And my life has come down to two:

Trying and not trying

The coolest thing, is the fact that you are reading this, you’re trying. The fact that you are doing something today, you are trying. The fact that you are breathing, you are trying. So give yourself some credit!! Goodness! Even you have “failed” at something, it required some sort of effort right? And the fact that you made effort, even if it seems worthless, it is definitely of worth.

miracles exist

As I was reading the Book of Mormon this last week, I saw the word rest a lot. That there will be a day where the Lord will give us rest from sorrow, and from fear, and “from the hard bondage wherein thou wast made to serve.” 2 Nephi 24:3

99.9% of the time I don’t believe that. HOWEVER. That .1 percent is special. I consider that .1 percent a miracle.

The other day I received a text from a friend. This friend has texted me every single day since honestly, the top worst day of my life. Usually they are random texts about his day, what he is learning, or maybe something funny. But today he sent me a question “How do miracles exist in our day and age? I’m looking for them as of late…”

It made me think.

Well. It depends on what we consider a miracle to be. If we believe that God only provides grand miracles, we will be disappointed. But if we define a miracle as a moment when hope is restored or a change has occurred, they are everywhere.

Though we may not experience full deliverance in a day, I do know and can testify that miracles do exist. Choose to see them, and give God the credit.

This was long. I know. This may be super common knowledge to everyone reading. But this is what I am learning. And I refuse to let my struggles sit in my own bedroom. I will continue to be vulnerable. I will continue to share when I am prompted to share. --- the good and the bad ---because if it helps one human being, then that right there is why I am going through what I'm going through. And if you are that person reading, please know God is aware of you.

XOXO

Morg