my truest self.

Hiiiii!

Back from Africa. Literally had the time of my life. All of it was amazing. The culture, the people, and such a beautiful country. I have had countless people contact me asking about the organization, and asking about my experience. But I have found it is impossible to explain what occurred. Most of it has become pretty sacred actually, and will only be shared with close family and friends. But a little note- if you are interested in volunteering, reach out to me and I’ll help you out!

People who have gone on humanitarian like trips usually come back saying they are “changed” or a “different person.” I said that when I returned home from Guatemala a few years back. I came back with opened eyes, more gratitude, and more desire to serve.

But this time was different. I knew what I was going into. I knew the things I would witness, the horrific stories I would hear, but also the magic I would feel when I’m around these beautiful people. I came home from this trip saying, “I am my truest self in Africa.” Now I can’t take credit for that phrase. It came from a woman who also does humanitarian work all around Africa. However, that phrase resonated with me. It was the only description that could capture exactly how I felt while in Africa.

I was where I was supposed to be. I was and am meant to work with kids. I was and am absolutely meant to work with those whose hands hang down, and who need to be strengthened. I was and am meant to work with special children. I am where I need to be. I am on a path that makes me feel excited about life. And the weird thing is, my life has never been so NOT planned! But I have never felt more confident than I do now, about me living a meaningful life. A life full of purpose. Because I’ve learned how to listen.

Where do you feel to be your “truest self?”

Is it at work? Is it at school? Is it in your home with your family? Is it volunteering? Is it being in nature? Is it being with your partner? Wherever your truest self is felt, I want you to think about this question.

Are you in that place enough? If not, why aren’t you there more?

Only a handful of times have I felt such extreme peace, that I am exactly where I need to be. And for those of you who have felt that, isn’t it the most refreshing feeling? Even though you may be surrounded by good things or good people, finding that place makes you feel like you are discovering yourself! You are finding out what your soul really wants. You are finally living a life, not just existing in a life that is meant to be lived by someone else.

The more time that goes on in your life, and the further down a path you go, you create a mold. If you have chosen a path that is good, but not the best for YOU or what you truly want, you hit a wall. You hit a stopping point where you feel stuck almost! It’s like your heart is telling you to do something, that literally feels impossible to make happen. That is exactly how I felt just a few months back. I was stuck in this mold. Completely stuck. I was involved in ALLLLLL good things- don’t get me wrong. Things that taught me, that helped me grow as a person, that gave me new relationships and friendships, and things that I was involved in for a reason. But I hit a low point, for more reasons than one, and had an eye opening thought.

I’m   not   happy.   I’m not excited. Not that you have to be excited for every day, but I didn’t really enjoy living. I did not look forward to waking up in the morning. In fact, I dreaded it! So why was I here?

What brought me to this point?

Social pressure/timelines

I believe it is too easy to fall in a natural progression, which can definitely be a good thing, but in my case, not so much. I started with something, for example, school. Because I went one semester, I needed to go another! And so on and so forth. When it hit a period of me only having 18 credits till I graduated, I told myself a butt load of have to’s, need to’s, shoulds, etc. to convince myself to continue.

Dating: maybe you have been with someone for so long, that you feel obligated that the next step in your relationship is an engagement

Working: maybe you stay at a job because you know you make good money, or will with the next bonus or pay raise, so you feel you should to stay. Or you feel it is too late to start a new career because you are so far down the path of another. Or you fear to quit because of the unknown

School: you stay in a major because you are three years into it, really wanting to do something else, but you feel you should stay because it would be a waste of time and money if you didn’t.

Being a stay at home mom: maybe you feel obligated that you have to stay at home, because others will judge you if you don’t, or vice versa!

(This one is directed toward a specific someone) Becoming a salesperson: Someone I love just signed up to sell Doterra, and she is SO excited, yet not wanting to come across as “annoying” on social media, and becoming “that friend.” Caring what people think about her passion is hindering what she really wants to do!

I don’t know, just throwing out some crap. But reallll crap. haha

You get my point right??

WHO WAS TELLING ME THESE HAVE TO’S AND SHOULDS? Social pressure has a lot to do with it of course. Don’t laugh. But things would even go through my mind like “I don’t want to go on dates and when they ask my major (LOL always happens) I say I’m not in school! That I literally chose to quit/take a break, whatever you want to call it. How embarrassing!”

K wow. As much as I thought I didn’t care what people thought of me, I totally did! I wasn’t quite sure how to embrace what my heart really wanted. I worried about stares. I worried about timelines. I worried about people that honestly, don’t give a crap about me! The people who truly cared about me, pushed me right to the ledge. They gave me the courage to jump. Why was I spending time worrying about other people, or even people in my future (like future dates) I didn’t even know yet! Goodness!

Want to know one of my biggest supporters to take a break from school? MY ACADEMIC ADVISOR. Logically, that doesn’t make sense. He is a professor. He is a supporter of getting an education. But, he told me to run from campus! Because when you run towards something else, you are creating an exciting future for yourself. Doesn’t that thought just make you feel excitement?

guilt

I also feel that too many times we think we owe our time to others. That is so wrong. We don’t owe anything to anyone. When we owe our time, we aren’t doing anyone a favor. We aren’t really giving of ourselves our genuine love, we are doing it out of complete obligation.

My sister-in-law said, “When duty, commitment and responsibility replace fulfillment, happiness and peace, your strengths become your struggle. Letting them go shows courage.”

That is exactly what happened to me! I was in a place where I was serving people through my work and school involvement, which I felt my strengths belonged! I know that I was making a difference. But I soon made myself feel obligated to devote every single ounce of my energy to the people around me. Because of this, I was drained. I literally became empty. And I felt I had nothing left to pull from. If I were to abandon these things, I felt complete guilt.

that’s impossible

Can you think of a time where you said to yourself, “There’s just no way.” Whether the reason may be other time obligations, financial difficulties, life situations, you literally and immediately talk yourself out of your dream, without even taking the time to consider if it really is an option.

If you are meant to be something, do something, be somewhere: it CAN happen! It can. I really do believe that. Because I just experienced it. But, it requires you to make a choice. And then God just seems to work out the rest.

When you hit the point of self-reflection, realizing you aren’t in the right place, you have two choices.

1.    Listen to what you truly want. Take the time to feel and not think about a decision. And then find the courage to make it. Do it do it do it!

Or

2.    Keep going down that path. (No, this isn’t always a bad thing! Sometimes we have to just plug along for awhile to get where we have to be. So I’m not against this). I’m talking about when your body, heart, soul, whatever, tells you to do something different, and you ignore it. You choose to stay on the same dang path.

Just typing that second choice makes me cringe. It brings me back to moments that I did just that. That I ignored my heart out of either social pressure, guilt of owing myself and my time to others, or simply, not believing that it is a possibility to make that thing happen.

These kids in Africa, literally have everything counting against them. Yet not for one second do they let those obstacles change what their dream is. I was walking in a village and met the sweetest girl (name I can’t pronounce let alone type). She was holding a huge bowl of food on her head, trying to sell it to those who came by. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, and she didn’t answer. She just sat thinking. For a minute I thought she didn’t understand what I asked. So I just continued walking next to her through the village, commenting on the beautiful scenery.  Then five minutes later, she taps me on the arm and says, “I want to be a doctor.” Now, this girl comes from one of the poorest villages in Ghana. She probably had two pairs of clothes, one awful pair of shoes, and a large family that she has to stay and care for. But when she told me her dream to be a doctor, her face literally lit up.

This is the girl I was referring to, and one of her friends. Aren't they beautiful?

I kneeled down right in front of her, gave her a hug, and said, “Do you believe in God?” Her answer: “YES.” “Do you know He loves you?” Her answer: “YES.” “Do you think you can work really hard?” Her answer: “YES.” “Then you will absolutely achieve your dream. Don’t stop believing okay? Cause you will help a lot of people.” She smiled big, gave me an agreeing nod and she grabbed my hand to hold it for the rest of our walk. This girl was 11 years old.

The biggest believer in your dreams, especially in the dreams that you don’t even know are your dreams yet, is God. He created you. He knows your heart. He knows your mind. He knows your insecurities, your fears, your obstacles, your doubts. This sweet little girl, had an absolute knowledge that God knew who she was, and that he listened to her prayers. So, if God spoke to you, and encouraged you to jump, would you?

If you would, bravo. cause that means you have a complete trust in your Father in Heaven. He can and will make anything happen, if we have the faith in Him and also faith in ourselves, that taking a leap, a jump, whatever it may be, will bring us to an even more beautiful destination.

Africa was mine. What’s yours?

XOXO

Morg

For those interested in seeing more of my trip, I added a few pictures so feel free! 
Organizations: ACACIA SHADE and GHANA MAKE A DIFFERENCE

finding what your soul wants. mine wants Africa.

Depression and anxiety tend to make a lot of things crumble.

You fight a daily battle, some worse than others. You probably have had loved ones, doctors, therapists, friends, the whole clan encourage you to take care of yourself, sound familiar? Well. I ignored them. I kept going. I kept working. I kept trying. And then I hit a wall. A steel wall.

A family member taught me a really cool lesson, but more of an analogy about myself. I am someone who is persistent, and a day never goes by that I'm not doing something. I commit to too many things, and have an extreme desire to be successful in what I involve myself in, despite the obstacles. If a fence is in my way, I jump over it. If a door is in my way, I kick it down. A mountain? I start climbing. But this time, when I mean a steel wall was slapped right in my current path, I am referring to a wall that I can't walk around, can't climb over, and sure enough can't break through. 

When I hit this wall, I was tired. I was done. I wanted to give up. But instead, I decided to try something that I have ignored for the last year and a half, and that took every ounce of courage I had: take care of myself. Truth is, I don’t remember the last time I did this.

My health caused me to take a break. It caused me to simplify my life, and make some major changes. I made the decisions, with hope I would feel lighter. I had hope that I would finally feel less anxious, less depressed. Some anxiety went away, but I still was empty.

Every single day I asked myself the question, “What does take care of yourself even mean?

Just take a break from life? Nah, that’s not a reality, and doesn’t get you anywhere.

Find a better therapist, treatment or pill? maybe.

Pampering? No, that is a temporary fix or escape that doesn’t do your soul much good for very long.

Vedge and watch TV the majority of the day? My favorite shows aren’t airing so that can’t happen currently.

Go on a vacation? That’s temporary pleasure as well.

What does it mean though? Has anyone else ever asked this question? How the heck do you take care of yourself?

There is a really important truth that I ignore when God tells us the two great commandments. Love God with your whole soul, and love thy neighbor… a s   t h y s e l f .

God expects us to love ourselves. (Thank you Greg Thorpe for teaching me this concept.) I’m just going to make a wild assumption that the precursor to loving yourself is taking care of yourself. Not claiming that as doctrine, but just go with it.

When was the last time you felt truly happy? For me, they were these moments where I felt on top of the world. I felt faith in something greater than myself. I relied on my Heavenly Father, I trusted him. And I trusted myself. I was helping others. I felt like I knew my calling in life, and I was actually carrying out that calling. I was doing what my spirit wanted.

They were moments where I was feeding my soul. My heart, my mind, and my soul aligned. These times weren’t an absence of trial, but a presence of peace and assurance that I was doing what I truly wanted, that aligned with the Lord’s will.

Honest to goodness, I don’t remember the last time I fed my soul.

No, I’m not talking about reading scriptures. Or going to church to hear the Word kind of soul feeding. That definitely enhances my life. But that is separate to what I am referring to.  

I am talking about truly listening to my heart and soul (not my head cause that always goes south lets be real) but being still. Quiet. And actually doing what my soul needs.

Hear me out.

I have come clean recently. I am a perfectionist. Hard core. I always hated when people told me I was one, but I finally accepted the fact that I hate letting people down, especially myself. I cannot stand not living up to expectations I set for myself, or that other people have for me, or even God’s expectations!

I feel crappy.     I feel overwhelmed.      I feel depressed.

These are times that my mind and soul are in a battle with one another. They are wanting different things, and I absolutely cannot accomplish what I thought was success. Leading life with your mind, is  i n s a n i t y .

Have you ever felt an extreme prompting to do something crazy? Or felt like your calling in life was something greater than what you are currently living?

Have you ever wanted to make an adjustment in your life that you know would change it completely?

I believe we all have times where we feel promptings to do something out of the ordinary, off the well-paved path we have created for ourselves. I believe we have feelings to do something that may go against everything we thought we wanted. I believe those feelings create excitement. They ignite a passion within us.

-- But --

we let the flame dwindle.

How lame is that?

We ignore the feeling. We get scared of the choices that may be the best decisions for our lives, and we continue choosing the comfortable way. We immediately go to what others will think of us if we make certain changes.

I learned something recently that if we get rid of expectations of a certain outcome, we can give our soul what it truly needs.  Or in other words, if I get rid of my personal etched in stone agenda for my life, I could be opening the door to allowing God to direct me in a better way. Or, I could simply be allowing God to shut doors.

I am the only one impeding on fulfilling my calling. When I actually make the choice to follow my calling in life, no matter how big or small the decision, my soul is receiving what it needs.

What I want to experience in life, is   s i g n i f i c a n c e . I want to feel   p u r p o s e . I want to know that the value that I bring as an individual and daughter of God, is being used to it’s fullest.

Like I wrote in my last post: I can say that closed doors have recently become one of my greatest blessings. Closed doors may just be the only way God can communicate to us that there is something better. Sometimes God closes the doors, but I also feel that we have the power to close them ourself, when deep down inside, we know we need to be somewhere different. 

My aunt taught me a concept that she lives by, a guide to making decisions, big and small, that has played a significant role in saving my life. Ask yourself these three questions:

1. Do I want to do this? 
(We may say "I don't know what to do" quite frequently when making decisions, but we don't make ourselves answer this question.. If you want it, DO IT. If you don't, DON'T. When you answer this question yourself, you are using your personal power. You are simplifying a decision that before seemed so complex)

2. Will this energize or deplete my heart? 
(If your heart gets depleted too often by something in your life, get rid of it. But if you feel the flame ignite within you, I'd say it's something you should go for, or continue doing)

3. Am I doing this to please man or God? 
(Now this question has helped me realize what things I am doing solely to please other people or even to follow a specific timeline that society has created. Something better to question is if a certain decision is actually fulfilling for you personally)

The decisions I have made for my life the last three months have followed this guideline, and this guideline only. And I have never felt better about the direction my life is going. And what's so cool, is I didn't have to seek validation once from anyone when I made these decisions. When you make a decision for you, that feels right, feels exciting, feels peaceful- it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. It does not matter. And even if it did, that extra validation would do nothing for you. When you listen to what your soul is longing for, your own validation becomes enough. 

Now.. What does my soul need? What is it longing for? I am currently in the process of figuring that out. But I have some ideas.

One being an adventure of a lifetime. Something that I decided to do with “20 seconds of insane courage.” (We Bought a Zoo reference)

And I can’t wait.

I’m going to Africa!!!!!!!

In February I am going to Ghana with an organization called Acacia Shade. This non-profit built a home in Ghana for orphans with disabilities. Many African cultures believe that if a child is born to your family with a birth defect or disability of some sort, they are a curse to the family and should be killed. These children are usually left in a field to be eaten, or on the beach to be swept up by waves. It’s heartbreaking. 

This organization is not only providing a home for many of these abandoned children, but also educating families who have kept their children about how to raise the child. They are also doing a lot of community outreach including educating school children on how to treat those with disabilities so the stigma of these children being a “curse” disappears. There is also a home for orphan children who have been rescued from sex trafficking that I will be able to interact with. 

For those who know me really well, you know my true dream is to one day one my own non-profit, hopefully with kids with disabilities. This opportunity came to me when I was at my lowest of lows. After hitting a point where I wanted to give up, God provided. He always does.

A lot of doors in my life have closed recently. But who says a closed door isn’t just as much of an answer as an open one? Once I allowed God to close doors (or allowed myself to be okay with closing a door), once I simplified my life and got the help that I needed, a door opened. Not only did a door open, but    t h e   s t a r s    f r e a k i n g   a l i g n e d . I am now officially apart of Acacia Shade, to be a constant supporter of their mission. All of the tender mercies and crazy moments that lead up to my dream being able to be fulfilled, I attribute to God as well as myself! Cause we have power remember?

I fed my soul.

I did it. I let go of what others may have expected me to do, and chose to use my power. I did what I wanted! Goodness! If I have any advice after the last few months of deciding to go to Ghana, it’s do whatever the heck you want to do. Do what gives you peace. What makes you happy. And what pleases your soul.

Cause your soul is worth fighting for.

XOXO

Morg

For those who wish to support the organization Acacia Shade, I am sending my first sum of donations on February 1st. If you would like to be included, please contact me for details! (All donations are tax deductible which I have the information for) Also, if you are interested in being a part of the organization itself, I would love to answer any questions you may have. 

morgangardiner6@gmail.com