my secret that's not so secret

It's been about a year since I've posted anything online about things that I'm learning or may be going through. I mentioned in one post that I never put things online unless I'm prompted to do so. Today I was prompted and I'm scared out of my mind. But the reality? There are struggles and battles all around us, and many of us aren't taking the time to understand another. We are at a surface level in our relationships. We automatically think to ourselves that when someone says, "I'm good how are you!?" that they really are good. I'm not about that. 

I'm about genuinely seeking to understand real feelings of another human being. This post is me wanting to be honest about my battles, not for pity or for publicity, but I'm writing this to let one of you out there know that you aren't alone. That you aren't crazy. And that what you're feeling is real and okay. 

The other day I got asked the question: "What percentage of you is an extrovert, and what percentage is an introvert?"

I answered 65% extrovert 35% introvert. That person immediately said "I'm calling bull. You're 100% extrovert." 

Okay okay, I am kind of bold, loud, passionate about things I believe and love, sometimes obnoxious, and really open. But this last year has been one of the roughest of my life. Those who only see the "happy" me, are missing out on a whole other life.

I have depression. 

Shocker? Yeah to some of you it may be, but those who really know me, who genuinely seek to understand who I am as a person, know that I am broken. 

"What caused it?" 

It is a question I get almost every single time. 

The answer: I have no idea. 

I have absolutely no idea why I feel surrounded in darkness when my life is so full of light. I have no idea why my life feels like a mess, when I seem to be so on top of everything. I have no idea why I feel pain every single day, with no apparent reason, or why I have mood swings that trigger out of no where. I have no idea why I get anxious at literally the dumbest things, like walking into one of my classes, or looking at the clock and realizing its 10 pm and have to go to bed which means I have to wake up. <-- crazy person.

I have no idea why my mind can no longer think clearly like it used to. I have no idea why the Morgan with the biggest amount of faith, seems so hard to find. Or why doubting is so much easier than hoping. 

I have no idea why a life I am usually so beyond grateful for and love so much, sometimes feels like the worst. I have no idea why I criticize myself 24 hours a day for feeling the way that I do. I have no idea why I occasionally treat people I love the most, the worst. Or why relationships I feel were sent from God, don't work out. I don't know why I received depression, when I was at the highest possible happiness I thought I could ever feel. I don't know why I don't want to exist. 

I really just don't know why I'm sad. I don't want to be sad. And whoever is reading this that is also sad, I love you.

The only thing I know right now about my life, is that this is my trial. But a trial that I share with m i l l i o n s .

The journey through admitting that I am broken has been difficult. For so long, I denied all of my thoughts and feelings, or lack there of. I tried so hard to push through. I was open to those I am close to, but I was just encouraged to pray, think positive thoughts, and keep going. So that's what I tried doing.

It got worse. I began to feel worse. I felt that my prayers weren't working, I wasn't positive enough. I honestly began to think I was crazy. Some of the individuals that are closest to me have been diagnosed with depression, and I was on the comforting end for quite a while. My heart ached that they had to feel pain that I didn't understand. I witnessed moments where they were crippled by darkness, and feeling completely helpless. I was now on the receiving end of this scary illness, and I didn't want it. I knew what I was in for.

My family started recommending resources for me and I got angry. Guys, I was so mad. I really thought I could handle it on my own. But I am pretty positive that my anger was just fear of admitting that I needed help. 

One day I just decided to try out a counselor/ therapist/ I don't even know what the heck she was. Yayyyyy!!! GO meeeeee!!   (I was actually somewhat proud of me for trying.) 

After finally getting the courage to go, I absolutely dreaded it. I felt worse! I walked out feeling more pain than I came in with. I walked out half laughing, half crying, thinking "what in the world is happening." I remember going out to my car, slamming the steering wheel, and feeling just darkness. 

I thought that my courage I worked so hard to build up, was destroyed by someone I didn't even know. This person was such a kind person, one who has helped hundreds of people. But she wasn't a resource that my heart wanted. We didn't mesh. Our ways of thinking didn't align. And instead of just trying to find another, I got angry again.  I kept denying resources that were so readily available to me. I would say that if one didn't work, then all wouldn't work. 

From then until now, I have tried multiple things. I have tried multiple therapists, energy work, natural healing, counselors, meds, allllll that jazz. And I will continue trying. But it is hard. I many times lose faith that I won't be the person I have worked so hard to become. That I won't receive the blessings in life, or specifically joys or life changes, that all those around me are receiving. I am crippled with fear. 

Five people in the last two weeks have told me they have depression. Five. And these individuals are those who I don't really even know. But I am realizing that people are being placed in my path, or vice versa, to share stories, lift burdens, and be of support. A few of these individuals were shocked to hear that my response was similar to their confession, that I have depression as well. A few of them are trying to hide their battle. Which is totally and completely okay. I've done it for a year. So if you don't feel strong enough to have a voice, I'll be your voice. 

At one point, all of us will hit our Gethsemene, as a friend so lovingly reminded me today. In my case, I have hit it early. Many of you may not have felt this type of pain, but maybe you know someone who is in a dark place mentally or emotionally. 

Hopefully this is for you.

Most of the time, I feel incapable of helping myself, but I do know that I have helped others along my journey. Thank the heavens above, literally. And those of you who have been open and honest to me, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, you have literally saved my life and helped me realize, I'm not crazy. (relief)

ANYWAYSSSSSSSSS. I'm gonna try something. It could flop, but I don't really care. Because I was sitting in a bath tub today when this idea came to my S O U L . So it's going to help at least one person. I know it. 

I am going to start a little social experiment. Who am I kidding, that sounds really cool and organized and like a lot of time that I don't have. I'm just going to talk to a lot of people. :) I am currently in the process of talking to people of ALL ages, all circumstances, who are currently struggling with depression, have struggled, or care for someone who is struggling with some sort of mental illness. I am asking them to write me up a bunch of jumbled thoughts, cause lets be real, depression causes the craziest weirdest most incomplete thoughts of all time, but real thoughts in the moment. 

And they need to be shared.

If you made it all the way to the end of this post without judging me, you're a champ. And that's why I am friends with you. If you made it all the way to the end of this post and think I'm a weirdo who just needs to think positive? You're also a champ. Because something in you kept reading and I promise you, your love and encouragement towards someone is needed today. Just let them know that they are okay just the way they are. So please reach out, and find that person. Tender mercies are alive and well because of you people.

I am genuinely looking forward to the path that I'm about to embark on. I feel it is going to lead me to places I need to be in the future. I want to learn from you. I want to hear you, listen to you, and validate that you deserve to be loved, despite your illness. We can do this, right?

XOXO

Morg

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS

These stories, experiences, thoughts, advice, etc. will be shared anonymously. So if you or anyone you know may need their voice to be heard, email me at morgangardiner6@gmail.com. Or share this post! It can be a few words on encouragement, wisdom, love, whatever you feel prompted to share. I promise you it will help someone, and that someone could even be yourself. Writing is therapeutic. "A broken vessel" can still work miracles. 

Inconsistency is consistently a blessing.

I feel like my mind consists of oxymoron’s like that one. ^ I guess it's the weird philosopher side of me. I don't know. Okay so my mind has been enlightened in a huge way through the last two weeks. I have experienced some incredible moments, moments that I will cherish and keep sacred for forever. But through these moments, I learned a powerful lesson.

Rewind.

A few weeks ago I was at a beautiful funeral for a woman who changed lives. She left a legacy and will always be remembered. Her spirit touched the hearts of all who had an interaction with her, or even heard of her good heart, her deeds, and her faith. Her husband spoke at the funeral and impacted me in ways that he will never be able to understand. The way he spoke about her was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. The spirit in the room was tangible, testifying of eternal marriage and that covenant keeping is real, and beautiful, and lasts forever. It made me want to find not just a relationship, but a relationship full of power, one that the Lord is in charge of, one He guides, and find someone I can respect as he so lovingly respects her. Losing a companion is something no one would of course ever want to imagine. This in my view is one of the most difficult trials. But in my outsider-limited perspective, what I get from this family's example is that this event is the most difficult blessing. They have turned something heartbreaking, to something that changes they way they live, serve, and show faith. It is simply inspiring. 

In this mans remarks, he quoted Elder Holland by saying:

“You can’t separate Bethlehem from Gethsemane or the hasty flight into Egypt from the slow journey to the summit of Calvary. It’s of one piece. It is a single plan. It considers ‘the fall and rising again of many in Israel’"

This   struck   my   heart.   All good; and all bad; are part of the plan. I mean we hear repeatedly that "opposition in all things" is part of the plan, but when we are actually experiencing that great trial of:

opposition- darkness- doubt- confusion- misunderstanding

lack of understanding- unanswered prayers- countless questions- pain

anguish- boredom- lack of progression 

...you wanna slap someone every time they say opposition is a good thing! You think to yourself, if God wants us to have joy, if that is His main purpose, why do I only feel the opposite? 

This is what the spirit taught me, again in such a loving, quiet, yet powerful way. The good and the bad come together. They work perfect together. Real love and loss come together. Happy life and difficult death come together. Death and Salvation come together. Life has moments of falling and moments to rise. They are part of the plan. But salvation trumps all. Those thoughts have repeated in my mind and heart daily this last week. This all makes the importance of understanding why to life’s difficult situations, a lot less desired from our hearts. 

When we trust that falling and rising go hand in hand, we see the bigger picture, with eternal eyes. We start seeing as God sees. The two things that happened in both Bethlehem and Gethsemane/Calvary, are considered to be the most beautiful acts of love to have ever existed. God sent his only son, Jesus Christ, to come down to this world and change it. To lead by example and by love, and teach us how we can live with our Father again. Christ died on Calvary, and was resurrected, to redeem us from the fall. To become whole again. To break the bands of death. 

Oh how grateful I am for these two moments in history. Yes, the atonement that Christ provided included the greatest suffering to ever exist, but the eternal joy that came from that suffering exceeded all bad this world would ever feel. Why would we want to separate those two events, let alone separate our good from our bad? Come what may and love it. Recognize that darkness, doubt and anguish help us progress, help us change, help us serve, and to look to the Lord. Allll good things. I’m grateful.

So.

My Bishop saw me at church and pulled me into his office, and we began discussing the beautiful gospel. He asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was good! But I have realized this last year has been the most inconsistent of my entire life. And it was something I was frustrated about. I asked him, 

"Why does my life have to be so up and down? Why is Satan so powerful at times, and God so powerful in others? Why is my life so inconsistent? Or why does it feel that way… Why can't I just have this upward progression always?” I quickly summed up life events in this last year that have brought me to darkness. But because "the spirit quickeneth all things," I was immediately reminded of the countless experiences I had that changed me. 

You know those little moments where you feel the greatest amount of love and worth you could ever feel? Or the moments of hope and peace that fill your soul when you need it the most? We are being ungrateful if we don't acknowledge the existence of those powerful moments. They are real. And they are from the all knowing, all loving Father and Savior. 

Then I was reminded of what I so powerfully learned last week at the most beautiful funeral. "You can't separate Bethlehem and Gethsemane..." That inconsistency in our life, is consistently a blessing. 

I felt a warmth come over me, and a feeling that the Lord not only knows who I am, but he let me know that I learned something. That I just had a moment of progression. 

There is no greater feeling.

To any who are reading this, know your life experiences will work together for your good, when you love and serve the Lord. Even if life is inconsistent, trust that that was how the Lord intended it to be. Try it. I dare you.