finding what your soul wants. mine wants Africa.

Depression and anxiety tend to make a lot of things crumble.

You fight a daily battle, some worse than others. You probably have had loved ones, doctors, therapists, friends, the whole clan encourage you to take care of yourself, sound familiar? Well. I ignored them. I kept going. I kept working. I kept trying. And then I hit a wall. A steel wall.

A family member taught me a really cool lesson, but more of an analogy about myself. I am someone who is persistent, and a day never goes by that I'm not doing something. I commit to too many things, and have an extreme desire to be successful in what I involve myself in, despite the obstacles. If a fence is in my way, I jump over it. If a door is in my way, I kick it down. A mountain? I start climbing. But this time, when I mean a steel wall was slapped right in my current path, I am referring to a wall that I can't walk around, can't climb over, and sure enough can't break through. 

When I hit this wall, I was tired. I was done. I wanted to give up. But instead, I decided to try something that I have ignored for the last year and a half, and that took every ounce of courage I had: take care of myself. Truth is, I don’t remember the last time I did this.

My health caused me to take a break. It caused me to simplify my life, and make some major changes. I made the decisions, with hope I would feel lighter. I had hope that I would finally feel less anxious, less depressed. Some anxiety went away, but I still was empty.

Every single day I asked myself the question, “What does take care of yourself even mean?

Just take a break from life? Nah, that’s not a reality, and doesn’t get you anywhere.

Find a better therapist, treatment or pill? maybe.

Pampering? No, that is a temporary fix or escape that doesn’t do your soul much good for very long.

Vedge and watch TV the majority of the day? My favorite shows aren’t airing so that can’t happen currently.

Go on a vacation? That’s temporary pleasure as well.

What does it mean though? Has anyone else ever asked this question? How the heck do you take care of yourself?

There is a really important truth that I ignore when God tells us the two great commandments. Love God with your whole soul, and love thy neighbor… a s   t h y s e l f .

God expects us to love ourselves. (Thank you Greg Thorpe for teaching me this concept.) I’m just going to make a wild assumption that the precursor to loving yourself is taking care of yourself. Not claiming that as doctrine, but just go with it.

When was the last time you felt truly happy? For me, they were these moments where I felt on top of the world. I felt faith in something greater than myself. I relied on my Heavenly Father, I trusted him. And I trusted myself. I was helping others. I felt like I knew my calling in life, and I was actually carrying out that calling. I was doing what my spirit wanted.

They were moments where I was feeding my soul. My heart, my mind, and my soul aligned. These times weren’t an absence of trial, but a presence of peace and assurance that I was doing what I truly wanted, that aligned with the Lord’s will.

Honest to goodness, I don’t remember the last time I fed my soul.

No, I’m not talking about reading scriptures. Or going to church to hear the Word kind of soul feeding. That definitely enhances my life. But that is separate to what I am referring to.  

I am talking about truly listening to my heart and soul (not my head cause that always goes south lets be real) but being still. Quiet. And actually doing what my soul needs.

Hear me out.

I have come clean recently. I am a perfectionist. Hard core. I always hated when people told me I was one, but I finally accepted the fact that I hate letting people down, especially myself. I cannot stand not living up to expectations I set for myself, or that other people have for me, or even God’s expectations!

I feel crappy.     I feel overwhelmed.      I feel depressed.

These are times that my mind and soul are in a battle with one another. They are wanting different things, and I absolutely cannot accomplish what I thought was success. Leading life with your mind, is  i n s a n i t y .

Have you ever felt an extreme prompting to do something crazy? Or felt like your calling in life was something greater than what you are currently living?

Have you ever wanted to make an adjustment in your life that you know would change it completely?

I believe we all have times where we feel promptings to do something out of the ordinary, off the well-paved path we have created for ourselves. I believe we have feelings to do something that may go against everything we thought we wanted. I believe those feelings create excitement. They ignite a passion within us.

-- But --

we let the flame dwindle.

How lame is that?

We ignore the feeling. We get scared of the choices that may be the best decisions for our lives, and we continue choosing the comfortable way. We immediately go to what others will think of us if we make certain changes.

I learned something recently that if we get rid of expectations of a certain outcome, we can give our soul what it truly needs.  Or in other words, if I get rid of my personal etched in stone agenda for my life, I could be opening the door to allowing God to direct me in a better way. Or, I could simply be allowing God to shut doors.

I am the only one impeding on fulfilling my calling. When I actually make the choice to follow my calling in life, no matter how big or small the decision, my soul is receiving what it needs.

What I want to experience in life, is   s i g n i f i c a n c e . I want to feel   p u r p o s e . I want to know that the value that I bring as an individual and daughter of God, is being used to it’s fullest.

Like I wrote in my last post: I can say that closed doors have recently become one of my greatest blessings. Closed doors may just be the only way God can communicate to us that there is something better. Sometimes God closes the doors, but I also feel that we have the power to close them ourself, when deep down inside, we know we need to be somewhere different. 

My aunt taught me a concept that she lives by, a guide to making decisions, big and small, that has played a significant role in saving my life. Ask yourself these three questions:

1. Do I want to do this? 
(We may say "I don't know what to do" quite frequently when making decisions, but we don't make ourselves answer this question.. If you want it, DO IT. If you don't, DON'T. When you answer this question yourself, you are using your personal power. You are simplifying a decision that before seemed so complex)

2. Will this energize or deplete my heart? 
(If your heart gets depleted too often by something in your life, get rid of it. But if you feel the flame ignite within you, I'd say it's something you should go for, or continue doing)

3. Am I doing this to please man or God? 
(Now this question has helped me realize what things I am doing solely to please other people or even to follow a specific timeline that society has created. Something better to question is if a certain decision is actually fulfilling for you personally)

The decisions I have made for my life the last three months have followed this guideline, and this guideline only. And I have never felt better about the direction my life is going. And what's so cool, is I didn't have to seek validation once from anyone when I made these decisions. When you make a decision for you, that feels right, feels exciting, feels peaceful- it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. It does not matter. And even if it did, that extra validation would do nothing for you. When you listen to what your soul is longing for, your own validation becomes enough. 

Now.. What does my soul need? What is it longing for? I am currently in the process of figuring that out. But I have some ideas.

One being an adventure of a lifetime. Something that I decided to do with “20 seconds of insane courage.” (We Bought a Zoo reference)

And I can’t wait.

I’m going to Africa!!!!!!!

In February I am going to Ghana with an organization called Acacia Shade. This non-profit built a home in Ghana for orphans with disabilities. Many African cultures believe that if a child is born to your family with a birth defect or disability of some sort, they are a curse to the family and should be killed. These children are usually left in a field to be eaten, or on the beach to be swept up by waves. It’s heartbreaking. 

This organization is not only providing a home for many of these abandoned children, but also educating families who have kept their children about how to raise the child. They are also doing a lot of community outreach including educating school children on how to treat those with disabilities so the stigma of these children being a “curse” disappears. There is also a home for orphan children who have been rescued from sex trafficking that I will be able to interact with. 

For those who know me really well, you know my true dream is to one day one my own non-profit, hopefully with kids with disabilities. This opportunity came to me when I was at my lowest of lows. After hitting a point where I wanted to give up, God provided. He always does.

A lot of doors in my life have closed recently. But who says a closed door isn’t just as much of an answer as an open one? Once I allowed God to close doors (or allowed myself to be okay with closing a door), once I simplified my life and got the help that I needed, a door opened. Not only did a door open, but    t h e   s t a r s    f r e a k i n g   a l i g n e d . I am now officially apart of Acacia Shade, to be a constant supporter of their mission. All of the tender mercies and crazy moments that lead up to my dream being able to be fulfilled, I attribute to God as well as myself! Cause we have power remember?

I fed my soul.

I did it. I let go of what others may have expected me to do, and chose to use my power. I did what I wanted! Goodness! If I have any advice after the last few months of deciding to go to Ghana, it’s do whatever the heck you want to do. Do what gives you peace. What makes you happy. And what pleases your soul.

Cause your soul is worth fighting for.

XOXO

Morg

For those who wish to support the organization Acacia Shade, I am sending my first sum of donations on February 1st. If you would like to be included, please contact me for details! (All donations are tax deductible which I have the information for) Also, if you are interested in being a part of the organization itself, I would love to answer any questions you may have. 

morgangardiner6@gmail.com