Today I prayed, and a word came to my mind. "Blog."
I want to share a thought. Or a lot of thoughts.
“How are you?”
A question we get asked 500 times a day. Usually the answer
is “So good!” Or “Doing well!” Or “I’m fine, thanks for asking!”
On my mission, I had a companion who taught me a lot. Maybe too much about
myself and my feelings. One day I asked her how she was feeling and she took
like 57683 minutes to respond. I asked her what was taking her so long, and she
said “I’m really thinking about how I am.”
BOOM. Ya know those moments where little things just hit you
like a ton of bricks?
Since that moment, I really do take that question into
heart. And I am honest. Its been really interesting to see how people react
when I give them a not so typical answer: “I’m struggling a bit.” Or “Not
good.” Or “This week I have kinda been depressed, but I am hanging in there!”
The other day I was at institute, a class that helps me get to know God, Jesus Christ, and their doctrine. We were getting to know other kids in the class, and describing ourselves. One girl stood up smiling super big at seven in the morning and said "Happy. I am always happy. Always."
My first thought "You're kidding." (No, I don't know her personally and have absolutely no right to judge her in any way shape or form) But I looked around the room, a few people agreed, but countless heads dropped. Who in that room wasn't happy, and was just reminded that they weren't?
My next thoughts included me listing every trial I, a friend, or a family member of mine was experiencing. I didn't list them to have a "pity party," but to figure out what I could do to help myself, and others through the hard things they were facing.
For those who know me, I try always to live with a positive perspective. I want to have fun. I love being adventurous, I love meeting new people, I want to gain experiences that make my life exciting and worthwhile. Laughing and making a fool out of myself is my favorite thing ever. I love life, and I live to make it worthwhile. But I sure as heck have my struggles. And I couldn't be more honest when it comes to talking about them.
When I came home from my mission this last December, I really did consider myself happy and so full of love that my heart could burst. I came home from the hardest, yet most rewarding experience one could ever have. I served the Lord with everything I had. I loved the people I served. I sacrificed everything I could sacrifice. I just tried my best. And when I failed, I tried to get back up. This was a time in my life that I had so much confidence in not myself, but the Savior.
I came home to the absolute sweetest, most caring, supportive, crazy family this world could offer. I came home to a full ride scholarship, to a whole plan for how my life would be. I came home with a testimony. My life couldn't have been better. It still is, that great. But in reality, you can have the world at your fingertips, but the struggles you go through seem to take over every ounce of gratitude you can muster.
Being home, that confidence I gained has slowly slipped. It gets harder and harder each day in the world we live in to love ourselves, to gain a desire to be better, and to trust our Father in Heaven and His plan. In the lovely culture I am a part of, there are some freaking awesome people. But many times a pressure is created. A pressure is created to RUSH. I understand that 99% percent of those feelings are me making things a bigger deal than they really are, but I know everyone has felt it.
"How is school? Whats your major? Are you going on a mission? Are you dating anyone? Have you had a DTR? Are you in love? Do you have a wedding date set yet? When are you having kids? How many kids do you want?"
We have alllllllll been asked those questions. Usually, they are great questions! But sometimes, they are hard when we don't know the answer. I really don't know a lot of things in my life right now.
I don't know if I am choosing the right major. I don't know when I am getting married, nor do I really care. I don't know when I am going to graduate. I don't know if I am at the right school. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I have faith some days.
"I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless,
I do not know the meaning of all things."
1 Nephi 11:17
I think many times we complicate the Nature of God. We get frustrated in His timing and His plan for us. We get frustrated with answers we receive, or get frustrated when answers aren't given. We get confused on why we go through what we do. We get confused on why something we thought was so perfect, could turn out so not. We get frustrated in ourselves, that we cannot keep up to Gods standards. We complicate the way He speaks to us. Or we feel He isn't even there.
God is perfect.
He is all knowing.
He knows me. And my feelings. And my thoughts. And my sadness. And my happiness.
He cares.
He cares.
He is full of unconditional love.
He has a plan.
These words I repeat to myself every day. On the happiest of days, and on the hardest of days.
God knew that I, Morgan Gardiner, and every other human being that has ever existed would feel all different emotions, even the bad ones. And that is why He so lovingly let His son experience the lowest of lows, so someone would be able to understand. Someone would get it. But not only that, He would rescue us. He saves. He heals. He changes us to be something better than we ever thought we could be. He inspires. He lifts. He loves. Even when we doubt this, I feel God is just pleading that we don't stop trying. Hope is provided by God, and I feel He so badly wants us to just keep going, and turn to Him, the true source of peace.
I have learned to embrace the days that may not be the greatest. To take them as opportunities that we get to feel a bit of what the Savior felt, and let all we experience in life bring us to our knees. Cause who better to talk to then the one who created you?
I don't know if any of this made sense. But I felt so strongly that someone needed a little reminder. That someone is probably me, but why not publicly share some realness.
This post is not trying to tell people who are honestly happy, not to be happy. DEFINITELY NOT. But I just want someone reading this to know that even if they are not happy right now, they don't have faith, they have no confidence, they are heartbroken, or they are depressed.. THAT IT IS OKAY. Tender mercies are all around. Tomorrow is another day to choose faith.
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